Though we have felt not lose hope


Having miscarriage is quite common in ladies.
Nevertheless, very devastating to us emotionally.

When people confided in me about their recent miscarriages.
They have my empathy.
I have been there, experienced that.
Never know that it would affect me.
The emotion took over me completely.
I was left feeling desolate.
Now, I know how those patients of mine felt in hospital after their miscarriages..

I had a misscarriage right on the day before Hari Raya Aidilfitri in 2012. 
I was just pregnant for 10 weeks.
I found out that I was pregnant on the second month of my marriage.
Imagine my surprised.
And my husband's.
I wasn't supposed to get pregnant as I was going to be very busy in medical department.
Medical is a serious shit department, don't-play-around-and-get-pregnant-there.
You will be so busy, running around, jumping on the bed like a monkey doing CPR and the workloads were super duper thrilling, blood draining.

So, I wasn't excited at first.
I was worried.
Will I be able to perform in a new department?

But plans are made to be changed right?
We embraced the pregnancy.
I was optimistic. Well,first time mother, I didn't know how fatigue you can get in the first trimester.

A baby was a seed of hope and the hope that grew so deep nurtured by the love I felt inside.
The feelings of being pregnant and the maternal love you feel will just overwhelm you.

So, yea I love the little life inside me.
Eventhough, it was young and a new loved stranger.

Work was exhausting as usual.
People say i should not walk fast. I should be gentle. I shouldn't fast.
I couldn't.
I am a doctor.
How could you advise her to be gentle when someone's father or relative collapsed?
No I couldn't.
I have a responsibility.
As much as I tried to take care of myself and baby, I had to carry out my duty.
Don't tell me I should let other doctor handled it.
There was none.
Most of the time I was the only one there. We had our duty cut for all of us. Besides, we didn't have enough doctors at that time.
It was grueling. I was always too exhausted to even raise a foot.
At times I felt dizzy that I had to break my fast. It was Ramadhan.
I went to work so early as early as 5 a.m. but I didn't have the time to eat. I would finish work late and be breaking my fast with plain water only.
It goes on for 2 weeks and I started having spotting.
I was told to rest for 2 weeks.
Baby was fine from the scan. The first moment I saw the heart beat twinkling, I laughed!!
A very unexpected laughter that was filled with joy.
Seeing a life inside you was a new level of miracle.

After two weeks, I went back to work. Felt revived again.
One Saturday morning, I woke up to get to work. Suddenly I felt a cramping pain in my stomach.
It was like a really bad diarrhea.

Got up from the bed.
Blood dripping on the floor. Thick blood.

Gosh!!What is this? OMG! Please No No!! Allah protect this little life in my womb.
You gave it to me when I didn't ask for it . Now that I have learnt to love and cherish this little life, please don't take it away from me. Please...
I was chanting prayers in my heart. Allah listens anywhere and anytime.

I went to the toilet and saw blood on my thigh. Being a doctor and seeing all that blood with the pain, I knew I didn't have much hope.
Woke husband's up and told him to take me to ED.

Scan was done my dear friend in the Glass room ED Hospital Selayang.

Heart echo was not detected.
No more.
That little twinkling star has disappeared.
My hope shattered just like the twinkling star.
She has left me.
My friends came and hugged me I remembered Dr Sakinah was there, Dr Ani and Dr Gen.
My smile was weak. I thanked them for helping me.
I decided to wait for the product of conception to pass out on its own.
I didn't want to go on the table for D&C.
Scared. Besides, I refused to risk any complication from a procedure. Let nature takes it course.

I was given 2 weeks of MC and a date for the procedure if nature decided to fail again.

Went to Putrajaya and told my mom and dad.

To everyone, I was my usual self.
To my husband, I wasn't affected.
I accepted the fate.
After all, everyone was so used to my brave face.

However, I have never felt the maternal love and hormones.

One day before raya, I woke up with the most painful pain ever in my stomach. It was as if there was a sword in my womb and it was cutting me deep continuously.
My husband was next to me.
All he could do was just watch me in pain with my mouth kept on reciting zikir.
I didn't talk nor did I complained.
I am a silent sufferer.

Blood was pouring out so much.
Much more than I have seen in the hospital for miscarriage.
I changed like 5 soaked kain batik.
I passed it out.
Alhamdulillah. Maybe the pain will be gone now.
I was so wrong.
It kept on coming back.
There must be some remains left inside.
The pain started at 5 a.m.
By 7 a.m. I knew I had to go to emergency department Hospital Putrajaya as I started feeling very dizzy and cold. With the amount of blood that I was losing, I might endanger myself if this continues.
I coudln't stop shivering.

Arriving in ED, I couldn't walk. I didn't have my legs anymore.
Blood dripping down the wheelchair trailing my path inside the yellow zone.

I was greeted by my unimate who was on duty in ED.

Lucky for me, the gynae managed to pull out the product with a forcep. It was about to be expulsed out.

I went home.
Couldn't join my parents to go back to Kulim for Raya.
Good thing my in law's place was 40 minutes away from Putrajaya.

Everyone was in a jolly mood for the celebration.
Not me.
I smiled and chatted as usual.
However, deep inside me I had a turmoil of emotions.

'You are a bad mother. You have failed. You were being too selfish that you didn't take care of your baby. What kind of mother are you? How could you continue working when you felt so weak?'
How could you choose others than your own?

Did I choose others?
Should I have just ignored my sick patients?Should I just take a long leave? 
How about my colleagues? We were short of doctors? I couldn't leave them with my share of work.

Did my baby think that I didn't want her? Did she feel unwanted? Unloved?
Is that why she left me?

I knew I was busy living a life of a houseman in medical wards that I didn't have the time to linger and appreciate the moment when she was inside of me.

But God knows I loved her.
I just wished tht she has waited for me for a while until my medical rotation finishes.

This is all my fault. I don't deserve her. I 

I knew Allah knows best. And He knows that I couldn't handle it at that time. It was not the right time.
Allah just knows everything.

Still, I blamed myself. I was so sad that my baby would think that I didn't want her because it wasn't the right time. How sad she must felt being unwanted and unloved.

When everyone was busy taking photos, chatting outside the house, I crept inside into the bedroom in my in laws' place.
Tears running down my cheeks. My whole body shook violently. I was drowning in my sadness.
Maybe I had postpartum blues of that sort.

I cried in my sleep.
I cried to sleep.

After sometimes, I just couldn't hide from my husband.
He saw the wet cheeks as he turned to me one night.

'Whats wrong?'

I find it very hard to express my feelings, my sadness or anger by words. Revealing my inner self.
I can only write them down.
That is why I love writing. It is a way to express myself and pretend like nobody is reading and letvmy emotion reveals itself.

My husband was blurred, dubious. Was I in pain? What was happening?

All he could do was offering his shoulder for me as I wept in silence and drenched his t-shirt.

Every night, I would cry myself to sleep until a month has gone.

Hormones were back to normal. I was back to being myself. However, I couldn't see toy shop or baby's clothes or I would start reminiscing on what I have lost.

I made sure I gave my womb 3 months to recover. You shouldn't get pregnant right after miscarriage.

I was done with medical rotation and moved on the aneasth, finally rotation.

We decided not to plan and to enjoy our time together. After all, we were still newly wed.

As I joined the new department, I was pregnant again. On the 5th months after the miscarriage.

Completed 3 months of folic acid before conceiving.

My period was always right on time and it has to be morning.

On the supposedly be my menses day, it didn't come. I waited till 11 a.m. Nope. Not coming. I suspected something.

Lunch time, I went to get 2 pregnancy test kits.
They were both positive as clear the sun.
2 weeks pregnant if you calculate from supposedly date of ovulation and my test was positive.

I wasn't excited. Didn't want to get my hope up high. Whatsapped my husband to convey him the news.
He said that he has suspected since my appetite has increased recently.
He thought it was weird, his always-full-wife felt hungry all the time more than himself.
He was ecstatic with the surprise.

I became the Queen of the house. Every wish was his command. hahahaha. Nice.

From that day onward, I walked like my version of Geisha (a little bit faster than real Geisha but definitely slower than Hasifah), sit more, eat enough and rest. Okay cut the rest part off as I didn't get to rest much pun.. It sounds illogical. However, aneasth sits a lot in the operation theatre and I didn't have to run around anymore. I also didn't have to come to work at 5 a.m. Yeay!!

This was my initial plan, to get pregnant in my last posting and give birth after becoming an MO.
It all worked out according to Allah's wise plan.

Why did Allah let me feel miscarriage? So that I feel the pain from my patients. It makes me a better doctor.

And Isabella was loved from the first day she was conceived. I just couldn't wait to meet her.
Dr Halina was heavily pregnant with Tasha when I joined the department. So, I was asking her a lot of stuffs from her blog and insta.
She asked me if I had a kid during one of our OT time. I told her that I had miscarriage 4 months ago. She encouraged me to get pregnant now in aneasth as it is much more relaxing compared to medical.
Not that aneasth works is a leisurely work or relaxing though.

I succeeded in bringing her out to this world and into our live.
The biggest victory ever. More than scoring for exams.

So, to those who are trying and who had experienced miscarriage, don't lose hope. Allah knows best. So turn to him for our every wishes as I did every night and day. He answered mine. Alhamdulillah.
And as you can see, my life has changed 360' and I am at my happiest hourney of my life.
Don't give up or lose hope!!
Lots of love~<3

From me:)


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