A Moment of weakness
It started with being a dramatic day.
I guess I was tired.
I had a breakdown.
I have been wanting to breakdown for sometime but I tried to ignore it, focus on being positive and managing every problem.
It went on for months.
I just don't have the time to even cry.
I thought being a general physician will bring me ample of time and leisure, relaxing life.
What I lack in a hectic oncall, I put up with long working hours.
I am as much busier as the life in the hospital.
The only difference is I enjoy the work much more because no oncall.
I guess all of you know how many hours I spent at work every day.
I usually work from 10-15 hours daily and I don't take day off at all.
In a month, I might have one day off or none.
Now you might say, it is my choice to work that much and I can chill actually.
But I can't.
Sometimes we look at someone's life and think 'owh that person has such a wonderful life. She owns that and this. It must be easy being her'.
I never think about someone that way.
I think that everybody has a tough life now and then.
Everyone has a different kind of challenge.
A millionaire doesn't have it easy.
He or she spend more time working than a simple person.
After all that person has a much bigger responsibility to carry such as mortgage, leverage, employees and a certain lifestyle to keep up.
I guess being a simple person is the easiest.
You know I like reading Vivy's blog (proudduck).
And I don't think that she has it easy at all.
She puts up a lot of time to nurture that baby (her business) of hers and I could just imagine how tiring that is.
Success only come to those who are hardworking.
I am no Vivy and far from being wealthy.
But I always get the 'you are a doctor. Masyuk. Or you guys manage to go here and there every year. Banyak duit. Owh you have this house and that. Kaya'.
From relatives and friends.
The thing is I won't have anything if I don't push myself.
I have somethings eventhough not much because how much I work.
If only I can earn so much with just doing nothing.
What everyone sees in someone's life is not the same with how that person live.
That is why I would not say, ' bestnya jadi org tu or I wish I am her'.
Because the thing is everyone has a lot on her plate.
Exception is I did say today that I wish I am Angelina Jolie while watching Maleficient with husband on Astro Best.
Hehehehe because she is so pretty, classy, a supermom, a strong woman who fight cancer and everything that I admire in a woman,
So back to my story.
I have never had a long sleep or afternoon nap this year ever.
It is exhausting how we mothers go on and on.
After weeks of having a tight schedule I finally had an afternoon off.
My shift starts in the evening today.
I was so looking forward to you know, rest.
As if I could. Pfffffttttt. Never.
I woke up early and made porridge for my baby.
While Isabella begged to be carried. Urgggghh.
Did laundry, cook lunch and mopped the house, cleaned everything.
By the time I finished, it was almost 1 and I was so exhausted.
You feel very sad when your energy get drained out ( after long work and house chores).
As I mopped the stairs, I wallowed in self pity( momentary weakness which all mothers and wives go through sometimes).
I became angry with my husband ( devil won. A tired wife is dangerous).
I asked my husband why didn't he help me clean the house yesterday when he sent Isabella to babysitter while I was at work.
It is difficult to do housework when she is around.
'What were you doing yesterday?'.
I blamed him for not helping me with the house yesterday so that my work will lessen today
The truth is it was not his fault but I just need to blame someone or that I was feeling frustrated and being petty.
It was not me.
What would help was a breakdown.
As I was lashing to him, I started crying which I really hate doing so.
It is very difficult and seldom for him to see his superwife who is alwasy positive and finding solutions instead of drowning in problems to cry.
After all, he turns to me for supports because he is not the positive one.
You could imagine his panic.
I think he realized how hard it has been on me.
He told me,' I know it is not easy being you'.
As I sat on the floor hugging my baby and having my husband hugged me, I said,' I don't want to be strong anymore. At times I just want to be weak and ordinary. I don't want to be the one who thinks about everything and solve all the problems. I have been taking care of you and our baby and I am tired and sick. I have been having migraine every day and popping painkillers all the time.
My body hurts so much and I still am not sleeping extra early or napping.
I am still taking care of your needs and Isabella's.
Still moving on.
But who is taking care of me??
I can't even take care of myself.
Nobody takes care of me:(
I used to be the girl who goes for spa and massages on monthly basis.
Colored my hair, went for rebonding now and then and hair treatment every month.
Cut my hair every 3 months.
Mani and pedi all the time.
Have you seen my nails? (as I showed him my nails in self pity)
They are not shiny anymore. Hukkhukkk.
They used to be very shiny and pink and I just love looking at them.
Now no more.
Life has changed me.
I even do waxing myself these days to cut the cost.
I can't recall the last time I went to all those places.
He comforted me by saying that I can still go to Alamanda as they have a nail parlour overthere.
I know I can go but in between work and being a mom and wife I couldn't squeeze anymore for myself.
Heck I am struggling to workout everyday.
I can't have it all can I?
And with a growing kid, I don't feel like spending more than RM 600 for myself every month.
I just don't want to do that anymore.
I have other priority.
I was talking softly to him as I wiped my tears.
Sitting on the floor with my husband hugging me from behind it was a cute drama.
Then I felt better and got up.
Collected the dry laundry, folded them as Isabella jumped into the clothes.
Continued my duty as always.
Now I am at work.
My point is that we don't have it easy, mother and wife.
We have sacrificed so much to our family and that is just who we are.
We chose our life this way.
Some mothers do it differently but she will sacrifice other things.
Being a mother and wife is wonderful, though it is not just a breeze of fresh air.
It is a tough job.
I am sure all mothers out there don't sleep during the day what with our kid constantly demanding attention.
And to those with more than one kids!! Bless you.
To those mothers who have so many kids and still need to work extra with low income??
Bless you guys even more.
Mothers are heaven creature.
We are strong, we can do it all but at times when you push yourself hard for too long, a little breakdown will do you wonder.
Just like me.
As for me, I am ready to take on the world again.
And when a wife breaks down to her husband, it is not because she blames him.
I don't think what my husband did was wrong.
He just came back from a shoot and he was exhausted.
He always lend a hand readily for me.
It was that I am a human and at times I just don't act rational.
No matter how you want to choose your drama, remember to do it with good manners.
After all that, you want your husband to love you even more, not get annoyed.
Nanti sapa nak pujuk??
I hope you guys don't judge my weakness.
We learn from mistakes and we are all a big mothers/ wives team:)
See you guys again:)