Slap my face now..

I had a breakdown lastnight. It was late night and hubby just came home. He babysit Isabella so I could take a time out to indulge in my feelings. Feeling of too much, failure, tired, sick with flu, back pain, frustrated, 'why is my child so active?', why can't I be patient?, why do I feel like crying and mopping the floor?' all those feelings. Even to mop in tears in solitude alsoe, I failed to do that as my little girl noticed my missing and twist the door knob to our bedroom. In the dark hour, she headed to the big bed and held my right hand,'Mommy, bangun, jom!'

   Anakku syg. I'm so sorry for lashing out at you just now. I never did that but I felt like I have reached my limit already.

And still she came to look for me, without hatred.

I have been collecting Isabella's old clothes 3 days ago and soaking them in varnish and bleach to get rid of the stain.

Some of those clothes, will be passing to our newborn.

I realized that we have a bucket full of clothes for the NB.

As I was rinsing 2 more clothes in the sink, I turned to find my little girl spilling a bottle of Clorox on the bathroom floor right behind me. OMG! I panicked because it was toxic and it could have contact with her skin, eyes and she could touch her mouth. OMG!! I was so angry that I slapped her shoulder again and again. I immediately took off her clothes and carried her to another bathroom. Thoroughly washed her body and hands with soap. It was in the middle of the night. I felt like I have gone crazy. You know like those crazy woman who could abuse her child. I felt my patience was so thin. I was at a thin barrier now.

Astaghfirullahhalazim. With my flu, headache, back pain and all day long exhaustion and an active child, after few weeks of my husband's absence, I feel like I was losing my mind. My daughter didn't cry long. But I couldn't let her sit near me. She slowly came to sit near me but I told her to stay away. I was crazy. I needed to calm down.

She was so sad that I told her to stay away. It broke my heart but it was as if I was 2 persons, one was angry and frustrated as hell, and one was so sad to see my child got hurt and sad. I was angry with myself for hitting her, for leaving the bleach behind me even for a minute. She is a kid. She doesn't know. She probably has been watching me pouring the bleach in the bucket and after seeing too many times, she decided to silently try. But she wasn't there earlier. I left her watching the tv. How can I have eyes on my back? Why do I have to do everything,see everything. I'm just a human. Why? Why??

So back to me sobbing on the bed. Isabella went to call her daddy, 'Mommy crying', she said.

My husband came, say next to me on the bed. He panicked of coure. 

'Why are you crying??' He asked.

Gosh guys. They will never understand what you feel and how you feel if they don't see the tears.

 I have hinted for days now that I was tired and it has been difficult for me but because I said to him with a relaxed expression, he probably thought it was nothing.

I am not a whiner. I don't complain. I might tell him like ,'Penatlah anak u harini. I dukung dia n angkat brg groceries naik rumah. Rasa nak patah pinggang'.

Or 'I rasa bdn I mcm kena pukul je skrg ni. Tu pun jap2 anak u suh I ambik tu ambik ni. Nak bgn balik tu sakit tp nak kna bgn jugak'.

Or 'I rasa mcm single mother now. Sampai bila u punya shoot ni? I rasa mcm I takde suami dah. Semua benda kena buat sendiri. Smlm u lupa buang sampah kan. Berat giler sampah tau. Tp da bsuk sgt so I have no choice. Nak patah pinggang I'.

Ladies would understand my daily hint. Not men. He thought everything was okay.

You know right because I whined in my blog.

Anyway, when my husband asked me 'What's wrong?'

I started with a long incoherent sob with interrupted sentences such as,' I've reached my limit. This is too hard. Sob sob. I'm tired of being strong. I want to be normal weak person. I want to relax and not have to be strong. I dun want to do this. Sob sob'.

Hehehehehehe.

My daughter was busy patting my tummy to calm me down.

'Don't hit mommy's tummy syg', said my husband as he showed Isabella where to pat me. 

Hubby hugged my shoulder as he lied next to me with Isabella lying on on my left shoulder, squeezed between us.

She patted my shoulder and pointed to daddy,'mommy, see daddy'.

She kissed me on the cheek and her daddy.

Such an angel now. Made me feel so bad that she tried to console me after I was so 'garang' with her.

Bad mother. Bad mother.

I really wanted for her to understand that don't touch means no or she might hurt herself. But she is a kid. How can she obey all the time? Will I be there to avoid her from getting hurt? What if the next time the Clorox entered her eyes and she turns blind??? What should I do to make her stop injuring herself??

Lots and lots of frustration.

I wish to be better. I wish that I am better and more capable. And that can give more stress. Too much pressure.

Until today, I still have regret for hitting my daughter and for being so tough on her last night. So sad. She seemed to have forgotten it so fast but I remember for the both of us:(

Today, woke up with worse flu. Hoarse voice. Lots of phlegmn. Arrghh have to drive to Cyber some more. It is a full day until night at work. When I feel like sleeping.

Eye bags so bad.

Luckily my radiographer bought me a happy muffin.

Not even a dessert can lift my mood today.

Consulting with a hoarse voice. Gosh...