Saying goodbye while thinking of my new single mother status
I went to drop my husband at KLIA for his flight to Bosnia lastnight.
He and the production crews are filming the drama series called Kalau hati ini rama-rama in Sarajevo.
I wanted to cry since the morning but I held the tears.
I even felt like crying during my prayer but I guess that is because I always tell Allah my worries.
He knows my weakness when others don't.
It is not that I feel weak and I couldn't do anything.
It is just that it is not easy being a mommy and a doctor all alone.
Being a doctor alone was challenging enough and being a single mother alone is very tough.
How can I do both of this alone.
Tell you the truth I don't have a strong support system. I have always been independent since small because my parents were very busy, no family vacation and stuff.
Until now, they are still busy eventhough we live nearby. They are always outstation and such. I am busy. They are busy. So you can guess.
Ya I envy you guys with sibblings to help each other. A pension mother who takes care of her grandchild. Lucky you.
Seeing my parents made me realized that I don't want to be busy until I am about to pension. I might have a good name, reputation, respected, money, few awards to be proud of, walk by and give a friendly slap minister on a minister's back but at the end of the day, those are not my pure bliss.
I am not saying that it is bad to be ambitious and to climb the ladder but it actually depends on your priority and what makes you happy.
So back to my husband leaving us..He held his baby all the time and kept on reminding me to take care of her as if I am her stepmother.
In every 3 reminders to take care of Isabella, I received 1 reminder to take care of myself.
We reached the airport at 8 p.m. By 11 p.m. I was starving as my last meal was my lunch and I have breastfeed my baby seveal times plus ebm.
My husband ate rice before we came to the airport but I didn't.
I was busy pumping my milk, feeding my baby and packing his bag.
So at the airport when I told him that I was hungry. He said 'that's why I asked you to eat at home but you refused'.
My answer was,' You are not in my shoes. I live not for myself but for others, so everyone goes higher than me in my list. I didn't have time to eat before coming here because I went to get Isabella from the daycare, clean myself, pray, fed her, Ebm and pack your bags. 2 hours to do all that so there wasn't enough time for me. I am 3 things. A wife, a mother and a doctor. You cannot understand that because each title comes with a huge massive responsiblity'.
He nodded his head and smile. hahaha. He understood but couldn't possibly be in my shoes.
So now that he is gone, I have to be super tough juggling my life and my baby especially with my new hectic schedule in Ed. I just wish she doesn't feel left out whenever she has to stay with her grandparents at night when mommy and daddy are not around. We usually have atleast one person staying with her. Me or my husband. Sigh* what if the grandparents are busy and outstation. Arghh headache.
Lastnight, Isabella is sleeping with my husband's t-shirt as her blanket.
My career is my pride, achievement. I made plans. Until my baby came along and she became my pride and achievement. It is not that I will be a stay at home mom. I will just have to find a plan that suits my pride and my family, maybe a specialization in an area with better working hours. Now I understand all that fuss that my colleagues and friends made about leaving their babies at night during on calls.
Now that I am alone, I feel lonelier than ever. As I stared at Isabella's face, she is just too young to understand mommy's predicament. Whatever it is, I will give my all and my best to her. Double compensation of quality time at home. Sigh I miss my husband. He would know how to cheer me up. His flight will be transitting in Frankfurt-Munich before landing in Sarajevo. All together 14 hours. I am actually excited for him to get this chance to travel so far into a foreign land. Good for you sayang. You are doing a good job to support your family and I love you for that.
Okay lovely people, I have to make a move to drop Isabella at the daycare and be off to work.
I woke up with red panda eyes. Hahaha you can guess. I cried a little bit at night before sleep and didn't get enough sleep after coming back so late lastnight. Thats just me. You guys just have a wonderful day ok:)