The unluckiest person in the world..
I am not the luckiest person.
That, I know.
Most of the things, I bottled up inside me.
If only I could tell them..
That's why I write them..
I must be the loneliest person on earth.
Don't you think?
I guess you know by now.
My life is not hard at all.
I would never complain because truthfully it is simpler than most people.
But today, I thought I must be the unluckiest person on earth.
Here I am going to work with a child on Sunday.
I love working, don't get me wrong.
I am a determined and self-motivated person to the extend that my husband would shake his head.
This year, I have my target.
When I want something, I would give my fullest.
There is no such thing as 'cannot' to me.
Even when it becomes so hard.
This month, I have been working 9 a.m. to 10.30 p.m.
On the weekend, I have classes to attend.
On the day that I don't have class, I work.
I am lucky to do something I love and in the end save money.
My husband as you know is away shooting a program.
When there is a project, he will be absent for a month.
Which means, I will be the mother and father for my child.
I am a superwoman.
I would wake up early and bath my girl, got her dress and drop her to her babysitter.
At night, I would come back for her.
Played with her for 2-3 hours until she was ready to fall asleep.
The next day, the same thing.
2 days in a week, I would come back at 5 p.m. and took her to the playground.
So you can guess, my life is work and my child, nothing else.
Tired or not, my child will be my focus.
It is exhausting when there is nobody to depend on.
To atleast sleep more or be able to cook something for myself, or to ask someone to tapau food for me,
Isabella is at an age where she climbs on everything, hyperactive.
Taking her to the kitchen to fry my eggs, resulted with her spilling a bottle of cooking oil on the floor, twice.
How frustrating when you are so hungry and tired and you have to deal with cleaning the sticky, oily floor later.
Took a deep breath and felt like shouting my lungs out at her.
As I sat down, she came rushing on my laps and smile.
I thought.... hmmm.. I forgive you darling. But please be nice to mommy.
Lastnight, after coming back from my class, I went to get her straightaway.
Showered her and got myself clean up as well.
Nothing to eat.
Exhausted, felt like I have been beaten up repetitively.
Couldn't get up.
I texted my husband.
I wished he was here to buy me nasi goreng.
It was 1 p.m. and lunch break.
I was driving home with Isabella so that I could cook some porridge for her.
She had cream soup and bread for breakfast.
I knew she wanted rice.
I thought how it was tiring and difficult handling an active child in the clinic.
She wouldn't stay put as that is not her norm.
As I was making her porridge, there she was spilling another bottle of cooking oil again.
If I could just cry.
If only I have a mother, this would not have happened.
My own mother would offer to look after her grandchild for few hours.
My mother would love her grandchild.
My own mother would help me make her porridge or atleast look after her while I make some.
If only I have a mother, I don't have to drag my child to work.
I could confide my feelings, my sadness, my difficulties to her and she would kept it a secret.
She wouln't judge and she would comfort me.
If only I have a mother in this world...
But I don't.
I am all alone.
I thought if I become an adult I wouldn't feel incomplete ever again.
I wouldn't need help.
I was wrong.
I am the most unlucky person in the world.
My friends.. some of them stayed with their parents, just like me.
But their parents help them with the kids.
Their parents maybe look after the children for a shortwhile.
They are lucky.
I don't ask for help if someone don't offer.
If I hear something that sounded like my child bothers you or a nuisance, I would definitely stop bothering you.
I don't ask for help because I don't like to burden others.
I guess burdening your own family is okay according to my husband referring to how he and his sibblings always bother each other with trivials.
But then I don't have anyone so..
So just give me few minutes to feel sorry for myself.
Even if I to blame, who should I blame to?? Isn't this fate? I have accepted my fate when I was 3 years old.
Still, my life is not the hardest. There are many who have way tough obstacles.
This is not an obstacles.
This is just a moment of weakness.
It is okay to feel sad but never to bow down to sadness.
Everyday we shall get up and become stronger.
It is okay if I don't have a mother.
I just have to be double strong to comfort myself.
And pray to Allah, my child never ever have to feel what I have felt, ever.